Friday, 11 May 2012

Something awesome happened on the way to the Time Magazine cover



Yesterday Time Magazine released the cover of their current issue. The contents were still not available but the cover showed a picture of 26 year old Jamie Lynne Grumet looking defiantly at the camera while her almost-4-year-old son stands on a chair to breastfeed. The provocative headline reads “Are You Mom Enough?” And the side text works to pit attachment parenting against more mainstream mothering as well as “the French rejection” (which is a veiled reference to Élisabeth Badinter’s Le conflit). 



I cringed when I saw it. What does it mean to be mom enough? What benefit will it serve to position mothers against each other in some kind of machismo mommy-eat-mommy duel? I have a deeply feminist heart and my desire is always (always!) to support other women and especially other mothers. I work to stand behind those women who parent in ways that reflect my own style and those who parent in ways that are completely contradictory to my own way of thinking. 

I have developed a parenting style that reflects what is in the deepest part of my heart. And for me that has included co-sleeping, (breast) feeding on demand, and pleasant night-time parenting.  However, I will fight with all of my mama-bear ferociousness for other moms to practice crying-it-out, formula feeding (whether by choice or necessity), and crib sleeping without judgement. I will do that because other moms are my community. It is in their company that I am building my home. And it is by their side, as they exist in both my physical and online communities, that I have found my village. 

So when I saw the Time Magazine cover, with it’s attempt to fan the dying flames of the supposed mommy wars, I felt an instant need to protect our community just as I would if a predator was attacking my home. My instinct was to bolt the doors and close the shades. We aren’t home Time Magazine. Please peddle your ineffective inflammation elsewhere. 


And you know what happened? I wasn’t alone. Instead of jumping on the my-parenting-is-better-than-your-parenting bandwagon and dividing our community into waring sides, moms (celebrity moms, blogging moms, working moms and stay at home moms) instead focused their critique on the media’s representation of the supposed battle. 

We, all of us moms, those who serve their children organic kale chips and those who open cans of Zoodles, stood as hostages for only a brief moment. Like contestants in the Hunger Games we were being asked to fight against one another for the enjoyment of those overseeing our struggle. But like Katniss, Peeta, Finnick, and Johanna, we instead banded together and refused to play the game.  Moms who would never consider extended breastfeeding took to the internet to defend those moms who are still nursing happy toddlers. And, in turn, those extended nursers raised their keyboards to fight for the rights of non-nursing moms to feed their children without shame or fear of judgement. 


Our village stood united. And for that I thank-you my Mamas-in-Arms. With this kind of solidarity and support I think that we can resist the conflict that serves only to divide and conquer us. Today we were a fierce bunch of warriors. And I think that the odds are ever in our favour. 

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Comments (25)

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Excellent!!!!! My work is saturated with this and it drives me crazy. I spend time in my class talking about judgement of one another and how important it is that we, as mothers, stand together and support one another. We enough battles to fight.......let us not fight against each other for the decisions we each make for our own families. Great post. I will share!
3 replies · active 678 weeks ago
Thumbs up! Make that double thumbs up!
1 reply · active 678 weeks ago
Beautifully said.
1 reply · active 678 weeks ago
As always, I love your point of view. When my kids were Mac's age, there was this ridiculous feeling of competition between moms. Who was better? Breast feeders or bottle feeders? Working moms or stay-at-home moms? Co-sleepers or Ferberizers (as they were called back then)? Cloth diaper using, sling wearing, granola crunching moms or the "main-streamers"? I hated the war. I wanted no part of judging or being judged. When I saw the Time cover, I thought, "Oh no, here we go again!" I'm glad to hear that there is much more solidarity between moms these days than there was when I was "younger". ;) By the way, I was the totally extended breastfeeding (my kids all nursed past 3 years), co-sleeping, sling-wearing mama, but I did it because it was right for MY family. Not because I had to prove that I was better than anyone. I am so relieved to read about your experiences regarding the reactions of women to this intentionally inflammatory magazine cover.
4 replies · active 678 weeks ago
Oh, I KNOW we would! I REALLY hope we can meet, too! Just stow away on one of Andy's trips back to Ohio! :)
ha! We are meeting Andy's extended family in Detroit this summer so no Ohio plans anytime soon. Maybe you should join Andy on an Ottawa trip!
Excellent idea!
The picture itself doesn't bother me (you know because I am a total sucker for extended nursing) but yah the wording could have been better. I get what it is trying to get across I *think*. When I first saw it I thought the intent was 'Are you Mom enough to stand up for what you believe in'. Meaning doing what you think is best for your child regardless of the judgement you know you will be faced with.
1 reply · active 678 weeks ago
Jen I read it as them presenting the extended breast feeder as asking the question... implying that her belief was that if you don't breastfeed (or extended BF) then you are less of a mom.
Very well said. You write beautifully. I always enjoy it.
I think it is excellent that you stood together. Too often Mama Bear Instincts take over Mothers, and with the very best intentions, we try to tell eachother why they're not doing it right.
Breast feeding is just one of those controversial issues. And although I do not agree with their presentation or controversial nature of the topic, I DO agree that the topic is one that should be addressed.
I have two children. Both of which were premies. I fought tooth and nail to try to breast feed my daughter. I pumped breast milk, bottled it and bottle fed her. For 6 months. 6 months on autopilot spending little time with my child and more time with my breast pump because I believed it was the right thing to do. With my son however, I had older and wiser eyes. I chose to bottle feed. After all, my children needed ME more than they needed breast milk. Right?
I was met with so much criticism. From family, friends, strangers who walked up to me in the mall to chew me out for bottlefeeding my newborn. Seriously?
I can only imagine that parents who choose to breastfeed their children into the toddler years face the exact same ridicule. It's an issue that NEEDS to be addressed. Information NEEDS to be put out there.
..It does NOT need to be confrontational however...
So while I agree, I also disagree.
...sorry about the two parter comment there. Apparently I talk too much! lol
I have a wide circle of mama friends, from crunchy crunch crunch to super duper mainstream. And the awesome thing about that ridiculous magazine cover was not one mama fed into it the way Time had hoped. All my mama friends thought it was absolutely ridiculous and I loved that we could FINALLY agree about something! =)
i only stumbled upon this whole "mommy wars" thing on the internet. when i was looking for resources (via parenting forums), i couldn't believe the amount of bashing moms will do to each other! thankfully, i have a group of friends who are very supportive and never cast judgement.

when i saw this magazine cover, the first thing i thought was 1) who cares and 2) nice try, Time Magazine. what a way to throw gasoline on the fire.
personally, i think the only thing that's important is if the family is happy and healthy. how they get there is their business.

great post :)
Congrats on the many pageviews on this post. You are so right, at first I was rather taken-aback by the photo because it was so "shocking". Not that I haven't read or heard of many cultures breastfeeding well into childhood. I was "shocked" because my gut reaction was, "Am I MOM enough?" Thanks for your commentary because you reminded that I AM mom enough, no matter what we as a family decided was best for mom AND baby.
The formal and informal studies of the students and all other individuals are very sacred and holy. The system has evolved over the last many centuries the skills are observed and made sharp in both systems.

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