Mama Arms

Before we get started, have you checked out my Postcards from Parenthood Blog Carnival? No? Then you probably should. 

I missed my baby last week. If my wife is reading this she is probably thinking YOU missed your baby? YOU? You had him with you ALL WEEK. I missed my baby. 

And she's right. She has much more cause for complaint as she stayed in Ottawa last week while Mac and I drove to Sudbury. My brother is getting married this summer and with a very short engagement it is an all-hands-on-deck kind of situation. And because I enjoy controlling things am good at organizing, I've taken on the role of pseudo wedding planner. Which is super fun. And very busy.

I have also taken on the role of photographer. Aren't they a beautiful couple?

Mac spent an abundance of time in his car seat as we whisked around the city from bridal shops to rental stores to craft shops. He was held by mother, my future sister-in-law, my niece and the bridal shop sales lady. Occasionally he was handed to me if it seemed that he needed to nurse. And if that was in the middle of a mall, well, then we nursed as we shopped because there was no time to slow down!

Sudbury is breastfeeding friendly city. Check out this sign from Sudbury and District Health Unit

And in the evenings he was passed off to my father, grandmother, aunt, and anyone else in the vicinity as we busily planned table settings, decorations, and location layouts. Mac and I are used to our slow paced one-on-one days where we make a disaster eating strawberries and then take a leisurely bath. We are not used to the busy. To the rush rush rush. And I am not used to having him out of my arms for such long periods of time.

I was reminded of a time a few years back when my friend Dharma and I were wedding dress shopping with her baby daughter in tow. Precious Cailey napped in her carseat as her mom tried on dress after dress. And as we were driving home at the end of the day my friend turned to me and said "I miss her so much. I can't wait to get home." And I thought how do you miss her? She's RIGHT THERE. But I had yet to have "Mama arms" and I didn't know about the ache. I didn't know that once you have a baby there is only so long you can be away from him/her before your arms start ache with longing. A few wise women have told me that as your baby ages the time can lengthen but it is always finite.

I was never more happy to co-sleep because it meant that at the end of each long day he was all mine. All mine to cuddle and kiss. If I couldn't hold him during the day I was at least able to breath in his scent while I slept. My poor wife on the other hand was home alone. And I imagined that her Mommy arms must be aching horribly. Although when I called home and asked her if her arms hurt she replied: "why would my arms hurt? They hurt when he's here. He's heavy. Only my heart hurts."

I was thinking about this as I lay in bed, with my baby tucked soundly under my arm, and I couldn't help but think of all the Mamas out there who have lost their babies. How must their arms ache knowing that they will never again hold those warm bodies. I thought about the bloggers I follow who speak with such heart about the losses they have endured. I hesitate to call them brave or strong because brave seems to imply that one has a choice in the matter. It is brave to rush into a burning building to save a life - losing a child is a tragedy. But it is brave to keep on breathing when your oxygen has been taken away like Courtney, Heather and Angela do.

And I thought of my wife's friend who lost her twin boys after far too short of a stay on Earth. It has taken me until now to even begin to grasp the magnitude of loss she has felt. And I thought of my grandmother who has lost two of her (grown) babies and wondered how much her Mama arms must ache too. Because whether a Mama has her babies for 50 hours or 50 years it will never be long enough.

Then Mac stirred, his head nuzzled into my neck and the ache in my arms vanished as I was left with an ache in my heart for all of those with aching Mama (and Papa) arms. You are in my thoughts today.


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